Muses

I am not one to blog about feelings, but I shall try to get these thoughts off my chest.

Sometimes I worry myself tremendously when I think about friends. To cut a long story short, there was once in time when I would give up anything for my friends. People whom I loved with all my heart to the point where I was willing to be a doormat and take shit as long as everything was okay. Sometimes it was upsetting and depressing, but I stupidly thought tha by making an effort, it would be appreciated. Eventually I realized that people ultimately prioritized themselves and you know what? Nobody really gives a shit about you, as long as they get what they want from you.

I know I had probably hung out with some wrong people but as a result, I remember that specific point in life when I told myself I've had enough, and I started to learn not to care anymore. I became guarded and skeptical and cynical with everybody and anybody. I keep in touch with few, value those who have stuck by me, meet new people and gladly embrace those I deem trustworthy, but I have long stopped making an effort in starting or maintaining friendships.

Right now there are many wonderful people in my life who I am letting slip away because of this fear. The shell I have created for myself is so thick that it is almost impossible to penetrate. I try so hard to not get too attached to anybody. I am so scared of that feeling of being let down or trampled over, that I would rather be the one who tramples first. Yes it is very childish to think like that, but so far it has been effective in maintaining my sanity. I don't worry about what anybody else thinks of me because I only think about myself. I have become selfish, independant and self-centred, I have been for quite a while now, but that's the way it is and that's the way it probably will be for a while.

I've moved on. I am happy. I feel happy. But am I really?

Once in a while I have old memories of certain people I've let slip, and I think of them fondly. I itch to send them a text or an email, just to ask how they are, how they've been getting on, what's new with their lives. I want to tell them how much I miss them but I am chickenshit and scared and so I don't.

One day I will be left alone with nobody to turn to, because those I could have turned to, I have turned away from.